For my friend

Some stuff just needs sayin’ but….

Sometimes, you see someone struggling with life, and you desperately want to do something to help. Only, you don’t quite know where to begin the dialogue. So this is just something I need to say, and if it fits you, know that I care and I’m here.

I don’t know if my help is wanted, and I really don’t want to get all up in anyone’s business uninvited. So I watch you wading through chest deep water, against the current, carrying a bundle of worries and problems. I know you hafta be exhausted, or pretty damn close to it. But sometimes, you hafta wade a while, and struggle a while to understand the true nature of the bundle, and what is at the heart of it. I get that. Eventually, you gotta get out of that water or you might drown, though. So, when and if you need a boat, I have one, and there’s room in it for you, friend. You’ve helped me out more than once, and more than you can really know. I owe you. I would consider it a privilege to share my boat with you.

Double Standards

Unquestioningly I expect,

and would be offended

if I didn't get,

your absolute belief

in what I tell you.

When I say how I feel,

you should see truth.

No doubts, no reservations

or misgivings.

Absolute confidence,

absolute certainty.

I expect nothing less

when I lay myself on the line...

open my life's book

to the chapter of my heart.

And on my part,

I find,

much to my own disappointment,

that I do not return the favor

in kind.

I am the place where "I love you"

meets the arched eyebrow,

and "I miss you"

encounters "Oh yeah??"

*side-eye*

I am the contradictory ground

where saying what I mean

meets skepticism

of what I hear,

failing to believe.

And I know it sounds cliche,

but I'm gonna say it anyway,

it's all me,

and not you.

There's no reason for disbelief

based upon reality...

but in my mind,

dangerous ground.

That's the place

where the arguments thrive,

between myself and I.

Where, "I love you,"

meets "right....why?"

Where, "I only wanna be with you,"

meets "Until something better comes along."

Where "You're beautiful,"

and "He's full of it,"

battle it out for days.

And days

and days....

I'm careful, though,

not to let it show

on the outside.

Regardless of the battle

raging on the inside,

I bluff.

Conceal the doubt,

and insecurity.

I am covert in the questions

plaguing me.

Allow nothing to show.

A confident front

for you to see.

Only that

and a demand

for your confidence in me.

some questions...

Where does it come from?

This I'll show you attitude,

this cuttin' off my nose to spite my face...

Where does it get me?

Doing silly things at you,

that only hurt me in the end...

Where do I come by this urge?

Being outrageous and whatnot,

all out of character to prove...

What?

Thoughts that make me profoundly

uncomfortable in my own skin...

Behavior that makes me want to hide my face...

Words that spew like bile

out of anger...

That don't form themselves well in my mouth

or my mind....

And lastly...

how do I make it go away?